School Boys
Jerome turned off the TV. He had just watched a couple of "South Park" cartoons. "South Park" is an amusing series about elementary school kids living in a small town in Colorado.
The first cartoon was about Herman, who wanted to become strong and muscular. He asked his mother to buy a supplement that was advertised on TV. The supplement was actually nothing but sugar, but the TV ad promised that it would make you strong and muscular.
Instead, it made Herman very fat. Worse, Herman refused to believe that he had become fat. Even though all his friends were calling him Super Fat Boy, he told them that he was Super Muscle Boy. Finally, when Herman walked onto the stage to receive an award in the school auditorium, the stage collapsed. Then he realized that maybe he WAS super fat.
The second cartoon was about a dog that followed Lenny home. Lenny loved the dog until he found out it was gay. Then he hated the dog. But Big Al took Lenny to the city's Home for Gay Animals. While there, Lenny decided that it was okay to be gay. When he got home, he hugged his dog and took it for a walk. He didn't even mind when it sniffed other male dogs.
Who Needs School?
Two years after it was appointed by the governor, a panel has delivered its report on education in California. One of its findings is that half of the students who reach the ninth grade will never graduate. There were about 6 million students in California's K-12 grades in the spring of 2006.
The report focused on problems with the education system; it did not offer any solutions. Solutions might be offered in the future, if the governor decides to appoint another panel. Meanwhile, thousands of kids 15 to 18 years old will be dropping out of school every year. Without a high school diploma, most of these kids are doomed to a lifetime of part-time work or full-time jobs that offer no security, no benefits, and no opportunity for advancement. And the cities that these kids live in will see an increase in loitering, homelessness, and crime.
As usual, the taxpayer is going to pay for the failures of the government. He is going to be asked to approve bonds that will build yet more schools, more prisons, and more housing for the homeless. These bonds, unfortunately, are like using band-aids when stitches or tourniquets are needed.
The dropouts do not see a bleak future for themselves. In the report, one student was asked why he had dropped out of the tenth grade. "School was boring," he said. "I got a life to live. There's women, parties, fast cars, and easy money on the street, if you know where to find it. And if things ever go south, all I gotta do is apply for welfare. They'll put me up in an apartment, and give me food stamps and free medical care. Why do I need an education or a stupid job?"
*******
English Is So Hard
Johnny asked Dotty how her first day in her Duarte ESL class was. It was terrible, she told him. She understood little of what the Level 4 teacher said. He spoke too fast for her. She had struggled through a Level 3 class at a Monrovia school.
When the teacher asked if there were any questions, she told him that she didn't understand most of what he had said. He told her not to worry; she could take the class again if she failed it the first time. She didn't want to fail it the first time, however, or any time.
He gave them homework the first day, of course. They were supposed to write a 300-word essay supporting gun control. Of course, Dotty said, she could write that essay in her native language. But there was no way she could write it in English. She showed Johnny the textbook. The print was so tiny that trying to read just a few pages gave her a headache. On top of that was all the new vocabulary on each page. "I'm going to drop the class," she said. She wanted to cry. When was she ever going to learn this language?
*******
A Visit to Asia
Liz was excited. She was going to Asia with her mom. Neither of them had ever traveled out of the United States before. They were going to fly to Hong Kong. After staying in Hong Kong for three nights, they would travel on their cruise ship to Shanghai and Beijing.
"Beijing is inland, so we have to take about a two-hour bus ride to get there from the port. I forget the name of the port. Anyway, we're going to see the Great Wall, the Tiananmen Square, and the Forbidden City. It's going to be so cool!" she told her neighbor Jane.
From China, the cruise ship would go to Pusan in South Korea, and finally to Tokyo. From Tokyo, they would catch a flight back to Los Angeles.
"The trip is going to last three weeks. It's only going to cost us $2,800 each, IF we can control our urge to shop," she laughed.
"I hope your trip is more fun than mine was," said Jane. "I took a cruise to the Bahamas, but almost all the passengers got sick. I caught some kind of virus that made me throw up for almost three days. They gave us a discount that we could use on a future trip. Ha! No more cruising for me."
"We've heard about those disasters," said Liz. "Mom and I are going to be washing our hands every 30 minutes, and we're bringing surgical masks with us."
*******
The Pile of Paper
Sammy looked at the pile of paper on the floor. Whenever he finished
reading his mail or a newspaper or magazine, he threw it into this pile.
This was his recycling pile. At the moment, it was almost two feet
high. It was time to recycle.
He squatted down, protecting his back. Sometimes, just sitting down
would cause his back to go out for a week. He scooped his hands under
the pile and slowly stood up.
He walked over to his front door. Hands full, he struggled to turn the
doorknob and open the door. He walked outside and down the stairs. So
far he hadn't dropped one piece of paper. He walked to the blue trash
bin.
There was no way to lift the lid of the recycling bin with his hands
full. He carefully put the pile of papers down and then opened the lid.
The bin was completely full. Damn, he swore.
Sammy gathered the pile into his arms and
trudged back upstairs. Pleased that he still had not dropped any paper, he lowered the pile back onto the floor. Then he stood up, but just a little bit too fast.
*******
Laundry Day
Saturday morning meant one thing for Susan—doing the laundry. She hated doing the laundry. Unenthusiastically, she took the pillow cases off all the pillows. Then she removed the fitted sheet from the mattress. She took the towel off the towel bar in the bathroom.
She grabbed a couple of dirty dish towels out of the kitchen, and looked all around her apartment for anything else that needed washing.
In the corner of her living room, a can of coins sat on top of the file cabinet. She fished out seven quarters. She opened the cabinet under her kitchen sink and grabbed a plastic bottle of liquid detergent.
Finally, she set her electronic timer for 35 minutes. The timer would remind her that the washing was done, and that it was time to go back downstairs and put the clothes into the dryer for 40 minutes. Without the timer, Susan would completely forget to check her clothes.
Susan carried the laundry basket downstairs. How happy she would be when her laundry was done for this week. As she approached the laundry room, she heard a familiar sound. The sound was the washer washing and the dryer drying. One of her neighbors had got there before her. Muttering, Susan took her basket back upstairs.
*******
Grab Your Umbrellas
It looked like rain. The sky was gray. It was almost noon, but the sun was hidden by a gray blanket. It was cool. There were no birds flying anywhere. A couple of birds sat on the telephone wire. Bob was standing outside talking to Bill. They both had their hands in their pockets. They knew that it was probably going to rain shortly. A sudden breeze blew some leaves off a tree onto the sidewalk.
A young woman wearing a dark blue coat and jeans walked by. She was walking a small dog. It was pure white, and pretty. It sniffed at a tree trunk. The woman waited patiently. Finally, the dog lifted its leg.
Bob said that he liked the rain. It was a nice change from the usual hot Los Angeles weather. And the plants could always use the extra water. Bill said the only thing he didn't like about rain was that all the motor oil on the streets would get washed into the ocean, and so would all the trash.
"But that never stops the surfers," Bob said. "They don't seem to care what's in the water, as long as there are waves to surf on."
*******
Please Marry Me!
Jill answered the phone. It was Jack.
"Jill, will you marry me next week?"
"What?"
Jack repeated his question.
"Of course not," she replied. She wondered why he was asking her that question. They had already agreed that when people get married, they immediately start to take each other for granted. They don't do the "little things" like opening the car door or holding hands. They get too comfortable. They treat their partner like an old shoe. And eventually, they get bored with each other and get divorced.
"We already agreed that we don't want to get married because we don't want to get divorced."
Jack agreed. But he argued that they were special. They were different from other couples. They loved each other too much to end up in a divorce.
"Yes, that may be true. But still, why next week? Why can't we think about it for another year or two?"
"Because I had two dreams the last two nights. In both dreams, you left me for another man. In fact, you left me for two different men. I want to get married now so I don't have these dreams anymore."
"Hmm. What did these men look like?"
********
A Good Sandwich
Gordon was hungry. He opened the refrigerator. There must be something in here to eat, he thought. There was—a single hot dog.
He took it out of its package and put a small frying pan onto the stove's gas burner. He turned on the heat. Then he poured a little bit of vegetable oil into the pan. He sliced the hot dog in half lengthwise. When the oil got hot, he put the two halves in the pan. About a minute later, he flipped each half over. After another minute, he took the hot dog out of the pan.
Gordon put two slices of bread into the toaster. This was tasty and healthy bread. The first ingredient listed was organic sprouted wheat. The first ingredient in ordinary bread is usually unbleached flour.
When the toast popped up, he put mustard, mayonnaise, and ketchup on one slice. Then he added two slices of onion. On top of the onions, he placed the hot dog. On top of the hot dog, he put a couple of slices of apple. Then he added some bits of hot green chile, and then put the top piece of toast onto the chile bits.
Ahh, what a sandwich, he thought, as he sat down to eat.
*******
Shopping for Bargains
Jim went to the thrift shop. He wasn't looking for anything in particular. He liked to go there just to browse. A big sign on the front door said OPEN. The shop was closed on Sunday and Monday. The rest of the week, it opened at 10 a.m. and closed at 2 p.m.
Two women worked inside. They rang up sales and put the items into plastic bags for the customers to carry out. At the back of the shop was a big room where another lady worked. She sorted the new donations and put price tags on them. At the end of each day, she would bring the new donations out to the main part of the shop.
Everyone who worked at the thrift shop was a volunteer. The only "payment" they received was that they had the opportunity to see, and buy, any items in the shop before the customers did.
When Jim entered, the lady at the register told him hello. He smiled and said hello. She knew Jim because he was a regular customer.
Jim said, "What's new?"
She laughed and said that nothing was ever new at a thrift shop. "It's always old and it's always used," she smiled.
Jim looked at the watches in the glass case. He saw one that he liked.
"Could I look at that one?" he asked.
*******
Horses to Ride
Laura went to the stable. Four horses stood there. She put a saddle on Star. He was seven years old, big and dark brown. Her sister came out to the stable. They were both going to exercise the horses. It was a warm, sunny day. Janice saddled up Moonbeam, a white mare. They got on the horses and started walking them.
A few minutes later, Laura was telling Janice about the new doctor in her hospital. She raised her hand for a second to make a point. Just then, Star bucked. Laura went flying into the air. She landed on her head and shoulder on the grass.
"Oh, my gosh!" Jan cried. "Laura, are you all right?"
Laura moaned. Jan gently rolled her over. She didn't see any blood. That's good, she thought.
"Can you move? You're not paralyzed anywhere, are you?"
Jan pulled Laura up into a sitting position. Laura slightly moved her legs and arms. She wasn't paralyzed. When she moved her right hand to touch her head, she groaned.
"What's the matter?"
"That hurt. When I moved my arm, it hurt."
They still didn't see any blood. Jan unbuttoned the top buttons on Laura's blouse and looked at Laura's right collarbone.
"Oh, no," she said.
*******
A Missing Cat
The owner of a missing cat is asking for help. "My baby has been missing for over a month now, and I want him back so badly," said Mrs. Brown, a 56-year-old woman. Mrs. Brown lives by herself in a trailer park near Clovis. She said that Clyde, her 7-year-old cat, didn't come home for dinner more than a month ago. The next morning he didn't appear for breakfast either. After Clyde missed an extra-special lunch, she called the police.
When the policeman asked her to describe Clyde, she told him that Clyde had beautiful green eyes, had all his teeth but was missing half of his left ear, and was seven years old and completely white. She then told the officer that Clyde was about a foot high.
A bell went off. "Is Clyde your child or your pet?" the officer suspiciously asked. "Well, he's my cat, of course," Mrs. Brown replied. "Lady, you're supposed to report missing PERSONS, not missing CATS," said the irritated policeman. "Well, who can I report this to?" she asked. "You can't. You have to ask around your neighborhood or put up flyers," replied the officer.
Mrs. Brown figured that a billboard would work a lot better than an 8"x11" piece of paper on a telephone pole. There was an empty billboard at the end of her street just off the interstate highway. The billboard had a phone number on it. She called that number, and they told her they could blow up a picture of Clyde (from Mrs. Brown's family album) and put it on the billboard for all to see.
"But how can people see it when they whiz by on the interstate?" she asked. "Oh, don't worry, ma'am, they only whiz by between 2 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. The rest of the day, the interstate is so full of commuters that no one moves." They told her it would cost only $3,000 a month. So she took most of the money out of her savings account and rented the billboard for a month.
The month has passed, but Clyde has not appeared. Because she has almost no money in savings, Mrs. Brown called the local newspaper to see if anyone could help her rent the billboard for just one more month. She is waiting but, so far, no one has stepped forward.
*******
A Noisy Neighbor
Barbara couldn't take it any more. Her upstairs neighbor was blasting his stereo again. She had asked him twice already to turn the volume down. The first time she asked, he was surprised. He said he didn't know that she could hear his stereo.
"Yes," she said, "it's just like your stereo was in my living room. I can hear every note!"
He said he would keep it down. She hoped that he was telling the truth. Of course, he wasn't. The very next day, he blasted his stereo. She marched upstairs to remind him of his promise. He said the volume was so low that he could barely hear it. She asked him to turn it lower. He said he would try. Barbara could swear that when she reentered her apartment, the music was louder than when she had walked upstairs.
So, this was the third time. She took her baseball bat upstairs with her. She knocked very loudly on his door. When he opened the door, she screamed at him like a crazy person. She told him she would kill him if he didn't turn the music down and keep it down. His eyes got big.
She went back downstairs. She couldn't hear a note.
I can't believe I said that, she told herself.
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